The sun is inevitably going down on the current generation of hardware. It has already set on our little motion buddy the Wii since the introduction of the “spectacularly successful” WiiU. You know what that means? It means it won’t be long until the shroud of nostalgia is thrown over it, making us all once again excited to have another peak at it’s concealed beauty and reignite our love.
Allow me to put a stop to that nonsense in advance with this damning compendium of Crunk.
No, you haven’t accidentally logged onto your Facebook profile. That isn’t a picture of your casual acquaintances happy accidents clogging up your news feed again. Its Party Babyz and as if this picture isn’t irritating enough they’ve spelled babies with a Z, because it’s been proved scientifically that people who’ve spent most of their lives carefully mastering the English language don’t fucking hate that.
Now we’re all aware that Nintendo’s consoles are special because they are for the whole family. Kids today get into games younger because they see mummy and daddy playing their grown up Xbox or Playstation and want in on that. But if you’re giving a game controller to a toddling infant, who’s undeveloped mush brain can barely yet handle the concept of having articulated limbs, then you’re a bad parent and you should have worn a condom.
In fact targeting particular age groups is something that the Wii had a lot of trouble with. Let’s look at how it approaches mature subject matter, like that hunting simulator for sick old duck killing daddy.
Now I don’t know if this is a sequel to the original Duck Hunt, but I do know that bringing a colossal pooch with a head the size of house along to a duck hunt is going to scare off your prey. I like to think that this gun toting human is a slave to his omnipotent canine dog master in the sky, and must bring him quacky offerings. Dog is god spelt backwards after all.
So that’s one of the few Wii games that aimed itself at middle aged men who are into bloodsports, but here’s another one that should have an adult theme. Fucked that up didn’t you Wii?
In case you haven’t seen Ju-On: The Grudge. It’s one of those archetypal Japanese Horror movies that became in vogue after the massively successful Ring series. It’s obviously about terrifying kids being terrifying and causing terrifying death. The original art work looked like this.
So why not use an image such as this for the video game cover. Maybe Nintendo, in their infinite wisdom, thought that it was too scary for their ethos. Don’t make games out of horror movies then, or alternatively, grow a pair.
On the subject of genitalia, next up is a guy who’s very fond of getting his out on TV. It’s annoying celebrity Keith Chegwin.
Ahh Cheggars. A man deemed so ugly that it seemed preferably to render him as a cheesy characature. I’m surprised that they never put him on a Go-Kart or gave him Roller Skates or some shit.
I have no idea who Jerry Rice and his dog Nitus are, although Nitus does sound like a monkey name from Planet of the Apes. I assume this chap and his hound are big in the US for winning the American equivalent of Crufts, which probably involves duck hunting. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve dog football. Perhaps it should. After all it would probably be less out of place at a dog show than it is on a game console. Less of this shit please.
…and less of this shit too.
I never thought that I would run out of expletives yet here we are. All I can say to our Jimmie is stay away from chainsaws. Actually, on closer scrutiny of this picture he’d probably be better off dead. Go nuts.
Here’s one more crock of fock, and as usual we’ve saved the best/worst for last. Where are your Photoshop gods now?
Some things are just creepy because they’re just a little off kilter. They have a certain dread about them because what we are seeing is mind boggilingly skewed. They leave questions that our brain can’t answer. Lets just say that the laws of nature (and scale) don’t apply to those who have either been butchered in Photoshop, or to the Vampiric. See, there’s no reflection, they’re clearly bloodsuckers. Destroy them with Stakes through the heart, or alternatively use the erase tool!
So I hope you’ve enjoyed our little look at the ugly side of Nintendo’s Wii. If you want to see more bad game covers have a look at our recent article on Sega Master System box art (link) or just buy a Wii and a bunch of games before a few years pass and they become hip and ‘retro’ and therefore ludicrously expensive.